Monday, 9 February 2015

Things don't always go as planned!...

Hi. I'm unsure how many of you will read this but I'm writing it as more of a therapeutic thing if anything.

So the last time I posted it was the day before my first day at school, or first day in my new job as it were. Oh how I raise my eyebrow now when I think about how excited I was and all that hope I had that I'd have a better time in teaching than in my previous job!

Fresh start

My first day was actually quite nice to be honest. Sure I felt a bit awkward and a bit of a fish out of water but the staff were nice and the kids were adorable. I mentioned in my last post that this new job was a 4 day week. So I looked forward to Thursday starting my weekend.

It was great to have Friday off

I did school work the entire day. "I just need to get ahead? It won't always be like this, right?"

Silver lining I got to escape the school work for an hour or so to do something towards my business. The main reason I went part-time!

I had the weekend off

I worked hard to learn the new systems and to get "ahead".

By week 2 I had learnt that I needed to get up at 5am every morning to do school work before getting into school for around 7am! To then set up the environment entirely on my own, resource 3 teaching groups of 13 kids each, perhaps whilst juggling and balancing on one leg?! To leave around 5:30pm for nothing more than a change of scene to then carry on with school work.

I am superhuman

Then Monday, of just week 3, happened. Do you ever wish that some days you could rewind and maybe just start over?

By 10.30am I experienced what I believe to be my first panic attack. If you've had one you'll relate. If you haven't, I hope you never have to relate!
I calmed down after locking myself in the toilets and eventually calling for my TAs (teaching assistants).

It won't happen again

At dinnertime I found myself stuck in Morrison's cafe, unable to pull myself together. I couldn't go back. After panicking and ringing my Dad (who was in Northampton working- far away from my home) he managed to calm me down a bit and made me get in touch with my headteacher, of whom coaxed me back to school with a cuppa!

He was brill I have to say and he planned for me to get some support from my leader. "It'll be ok. I'll get some help and it'll all be fine".

I drew a line under Monday.

Tomorrow would be better

Tuesday dinner I had panic attack number 3. I realised at this point that I could not control when they were happening. This scared me. "What if it feeds into other parts of my life? My business? How can I manage a big team if I panic all the time? Will it destroy my confidence?"

Unfortunately, it wasn't received as sympathetically this time around and I was made to go back in and 'teach' in this state. I was crying, my skin blotchy and red and I could hardly catch my breath. Those poor little 3 year olds, a little scared if anything, all staring at me. I do not know how I got through it! I really don't.

After that I met with my headteacher again. Wednesday morning I got up at 5am. Not to get on top of the endless workload, but to write my letter of resignation.

I left school and my job with immediate effect that evening.

I regret it

Quite honestly it's the best choice I've ever made. My only regret is that I didn't leave on the Monday!

Sure, it didn't go as I had hoped and planned for but I guess that's life right?!

The good news is I'm well and truly on the mend and I haven't had anymore 'full on' attacks. There's still a little flutter of anxiety there occasionally which I'm working on, but overall I'm feeling so much relief and happiness.

As for work, my business is BOOMING! I'm going for a position in the marketing plan this month so it's all go. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!At least that is making me smile!...

As for teaching. I still do it in the form of supply teaching but I don't think the job as a whole package is for me, at least for now anyway!

Being my own boss is brilliant. Everyday feels like a weekend! I choose when I want to get up. No horrible Sunday night feelings. No set hours. And I'm now drinking wine on a Monday night! Everyday's a school day